“I have no drive. I just do it to get him off. It feels like a chore. I have to take a work call. I have no time for sex.”
These are just some of the many things clients tell me about their current sex life… or lack thereof. One of the recurring themes is that they have been in relationships or married for a long period of time, and lack the drive and desire for the sex they once knew and craved.
Children, careers and household chores are obvious contenders that take over once we start to have families, however this doesn't mean that your sex life has to take a back seat.
At a time when people should be settling in, relaxing, or thinking about intimacy with their significant other, they’re thinking about their boss, colleagues, deadlines, reports, customers, budgets, emails and what they need to do the next day – all of which are entirely incompatible with sex.
For many of these people, their marriages work out fine, but they feel unfulfilled in the bedroom and are afraid to say anything or make changes. For others, they say something but don’t know what to do about it. A sexless relationship will at best feel unfulfilling to most people and could lead to more problems, both emotionally and mentally like lack of sleep and anxiety. Here are some tips you could use to reignite your sex life:
Many couples remain silent about their dissatisfaction in the bedroom. They’re afraid to address it because they fear they might hurt the other person or it might lead to a break up or divorce. Change the way you think about the issue and see talking as the first step towards improvement rather than as nagging or complaining.
When addressing the issue with your partner keep it positive. For example you might say, “I was thinking about how good it feels when you give me a massage”, rather than saying, “you never massage me anymore.” Stating things in a positive way will bring your partner (at least mentally) to that time or activity that was exciting for you, and it will provide positive reinforcement with them and increase the likelihood of the behavior or activity happening again.
Look At Your Lifestyle
So often sex gets pushed way down on peoples’ list of priorities. For many, running errands and buying groceries are actually given more importance than having sex with their partner. The same is true with work obligations. Learn how to step away from work and shut it off by a certain time every day. Take a good hard look at how your prioritize you and your partner's physical needs. If it is low on the list then move it up a few notches and make time for it – plan it if you need to, but by all means, do it!
Wear Many Hats
Many people have a hard time juggling being both a parent and a lover. They have trouble seeing their significant other as the father or mother of their child as well as a sexual person. Know that your lover wears many hats – she might be mother to your child, executive in the boardroom, and a passionate lover in the bedroom. Accept this notion and be comfortable seeing your partner as the person who you once couldn't keep your hands off!
Make Small Changes
Think about things that you can do to feel better about yourself. The better you feel about yourself, the more confident and comfortable in your skin you will be. Have you been ditching your work outs? Hitting the gym will restore a sense of confidence in yourself that can be quite appealing to your significant other.
Exercise will also make you feel stronger and boost endorphins that could kick start an otherwise stagnant sex drive. Caring more about your body and even your appearance can have a big impact on how your partner reacts to you in the bedroom, so spend some time on making changes in this department!
Mix It Up
Over time, couples often feel their sex life is boring, unimaginative, and simply predictable. Try mixing it up with positions you’ve perhaps always wanted to try but were too shy to initiate.
Remember, if you’re feeling disconnected or unfulfilled, then chances are your partner is too. Keep this in mind – you and your significant other are a team. Think about how you might problem solve an issue at your office, and implement some of those same skills at home. Collaborate with him or her and find a way to trouble shoot together and bring the spice back to your sex life.
Remember, sex isn’t and shouldn’t be a chore – cleaning the bathroom is a chore, sex isn’t! Rather, it should be an act of love, fun, intimacy and affection, so go on and enjoy it.
Read next: 6 Nutrition Tips To Amp Up Your Sex Life